it hasn’t gotten any less confusing

The past year has been all about doing, exploring, playing. Random thoughts entering, morphing, sometimes leaving. I haven’t let myself ruminate on them, as I could feel it spiraling. I wanted to write them down, but they were so unformed, so shaky, so speculative, so possibly transitory, so dependent on the circumstances, that it didn’t feel worth it. It didn’t feel worth writing them down, it felt even less worth sharing them.

Whenever I share, I want it to be bulletproof. If I haven’t considered everything and more, then it has no right to be. The quandary here is that what there is to consider may not exist. Or it does, but I haven’t grasped it yet, and now I risk putting something out there that’s so distorted it would be better off not existing.

But something hit me recently. It hasn’t gotten any less confusing, for a while. Everything is acceleratingly changing. And so are my thoughts, as unformed as they are. So what did I think a year ago? A month ago, even? I’d love to know, but there’s no record. Of all the running threads, are there patterns? Maybe. Some things have been floating around for a while, but others have drifted into the depths of my subconscious.

There’s regret in letting those thoughts loose.

It’s probably not going to get any less confusing, at least for a while. But I will try to give my thoughts a snapshot in time.